Potatoes Au Gratin

I was doing just fine until I saw the box of Potatoes Au Gratin.

We dropped A off at college this past weekend. We drove up on Friday night so he could check in to his dorm room early on Saturday morning. He and I got up at 7:30 am and drove over to the college to get in line. We left D and the kids back at the hotel to make things easier. They opened the doors early, at 8:30 am instead of 9am, and by 10am, we had everything except the refrigerator up in his room. (A 5th floor walk up!!). D got there about 10:30am with the kids and carried A's refrigerator up to the room (it's a small cube one, not too big). By 11:15am, A was basically telling us it was time for us to go. So, the kids each gave him a hug and kiss goodbye, even though they really didn't get that he was actually going to live here and not at home anymore. D shook his hand and wished him luck. I gave him a quick hug and kiss and told him to call me and walked out.

I'll admit that I blinked back a few tears as I walked down the hall and stairs, but by the time I got to the car, I was doing alright. A few other times over the weekend, my eyes welled up a bit like when D mentioned that we didn't really need the 3rd row of seats in the van any more or when the kids said they missed A, but all-in-all I was doing alright with him going away to school.

Until this morning, when I saw one lonely box of Potatoes Au Gratin sitting in the back of the bottom shelf of the pantry. You see, Potatoes Au Gratin are pretty much A's favorite food, and for some reason, he likes the box kind better than made from scratch. Everyone else in the house prefers my made from scratch ones. So, for whatever reason, seeing that box really made it sink in that he's really gone and quite possibly may never live at home again. And that made the tears I've been fighting back since Saturday finally flow.

I don't know if it ever gets easier to let your children grow up and go off on their own to make a life for themselves, I just know that it's hard for me to let A, in particular, go. It wasn't so bad when he was gone last summer since I knew it was only for a couple of months and he'd be coming home again. This time, I don't really know that he'll ever live at home again, particularly if/when we move to New Mexico. So this time, I'm really having to let go. And it's hard. And it hurts. In some ways I almost feel like A and I grew up together. I was in my very early 20's when I had him and I was a single parent to him for 13 years. (Ironically enough, my 5th wedding anniversary with D was the day we dropped A off at school). So, A and I are probably a bit closer than we might have been if it hadn't been just the 2 of us for so many years.

Anyway, I'm doing alright and I'm very proud and happy for him. I just wish I hadn't seen that damn box of potatoes au gratin!!