Senior Moment

No, not the kind where you can't remember anything including where you left your car keys. My senior moment today involved my 1st baby boy going to his first day of school as a senior in high school. I'm not one of those moms that stood there the first day he went to preschool or kindergarten boohoo-ing over my baby growing up. I suppose because I had him rather young, I was impatient for him to grow up. I couldn't wait for him to walk, talk, go to school, etc. In some ways, I feel like we kind of grew up together.

So I was a bit surprised that I felt a little weepy at the thought of today being the last time I watch him go off for his first day of school. (Never mind that he now drives himself to school and I know he'll have a first day at college, none of that matters when you're being emotional). I'm not sure I even understand why I felt weepy this morning and I'm sure I can't really explain it, but I'm going to try anyway.

Part of it, I suppose, is that he's my first. So, of course, he's my trailblazer. But beyond that, it's also because I was a single parent for so long. It was just me and him for 12 years, so I was probably closer to him than I would have otherwise been. We did so much together, just the 2 of us. Road trips, vacations, lazer tag, video games, reading (we spent a summer when he was 7 reading James and the Giant Peach to each other), I even coached his basketball team for a few years before he and the rest of the players got taller than me.

So even though he's a teenager now, I'm remarried and have 2 other children, and we're not as close as we once were; it's still hard to let go. It's hard to watch him become a man and not need me so much anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely proud of the young man he has become and sometimes I'm in awe of his intelligence and maturity. It's just hard not to think of him as my little boy. In some ways I still see him like this:


A in 1990

Even though this is closer to reality:

A in 2005 (picture purposely slightly blurry)

I guess it just doesn't matter how old your children get, it's still hard to let go. Think it ever gets easier?